Iron Guard, by Mark Clapham

This week I'm returning to the Warhammer 40,000 universe and reviewing yet another novel featuring the warriors of the Imperial Guard. In this case Iron Guard, a book which focuses on the members of the Mordian Iron Guard, one of countless regiments of the Imperial Guard. For my readers who are unfamiliar with the Mordians, they're basically Prussians....IN SPACE! Or to elaborate, the Mordians come from a world where one side is burned to a crisp because it perpetually faces the sun, while the other is constantly exposed to the darkness of space and completely frozen. All of the population lives in hive spires on the dark side of the planet and order is only maintained through ruthless and relentless discipline. The result is the Mordian Iron Guard, regiments clad in bright blue dress uniforms which bear more than a passing resemblance to old Prussian Dunkelblau uniforms. The Mordians' main tactic is to form unbreakable lines of men pouring disciplined volleys of fire into the enemy until either the enemy is routing or dead, or they overwhelm the Mordians with superior numbers and firepower. In either case it will be a costly action for the enemy and the Mordians will remain stalwart against the Emperor's foes.

Iron Guard focuses specifically on the 114th Mordian Regiment, also known as "The Unbreakables", a regiment with a reputation for stalwart determination and discipline over and above the typical Mordian regiment. For the past year they've been helping put down a disorganized rebellion of false Emperors and many have grown bored with the ease of the assignment. Especially since the tide has begun to turn and it appears the world will soon be safely back under the watchful gaze of the Emperor. While half of the regiment will remain behind to continue the process of mopping up the remaining rebels, the other half is being sent onwards to Belmos VII, a world inhabited by a single city surrounding a mine of important raw materials for Imperial war materiel. Although contact with Belmos VII is infrequent at the best of times, a message has recently been received which had made the regional bureaucrats greatly concerned and they want the 114th to go investigate and handle any problems or rebellions that have occurred.

The thing I like most about this book is that it manages to go a different path from most Imperial Guard novels without straying too much from the formula as well. If you read too many Imperial Guard novels, after a while they start to blur together because they're all war novels. There may be differences in the specific details and the specific objectives people are fighting over, but it usually boils down to Imperial Guard and enemies fighting over stuff. Heck, I even got bored with some of the stories in the second omnibus of the Gaunt's Ghosts series because the stories felt so much the same to me. In the case of Iron Guard, though, there is a very spooky element towards the beginning of the story, very much like a horror story. As the 114th goes into the city on Belmos VII they find it entirely deserted, with no signs of life at all. Which is especially concerning because the planet had been out of contact for a few weeks, implying something very, very bad has gone down. As their investigations continue the 114th finds that the people of Belmos VII may have stumbled onto something far more sinister than initially anticipated.

I will say that this book falls on the darker end of the spectrum when it comes to the Imperial Guard novels. Generally speaking these books tend to fall broadly into two categories, either they honor and perhaps to an extent romanticize the sacrifices of the Imperial Guard in humanity's endless war with aliens and heretics, usually showing how their efforts are able to make a positive impact in humanity's plight. On the other hand there are stories that underscore the futility of humanity's war on a thousand fronts and the billions of lives thrown away to try and keep the tottering establishment of the Imperium up for just a little longer. Iron Guard definitely falls into the second category with at least one character ruminating on the senselessness of their struggles and his frustration with how officers seem to callously throw men's lives away only to further their careers. Obviously both sorts of stories have their own merits and some might say that the grimmer types of stories are more in keeping with 40k's notoriously dark outlook. However I personally prefer the more positive stories, but that's a matter of personal taste.

Towards the end of the book the author also brings in other elements of the 40k universe without terribly much explanation of who or what they are and their respective motivations. It's touched upon but they definitely have the feeling of coming out of nowhere and sort of stumbling into what had previously been a survival-horror story. If you're a 40k veteran then you'll be fine because Clapham's not introducing new concepts but rather utilizing pre-existing ones, but if you're new to the lore than you'll probably be confused more than anything else.

Overall I liked the survival horror elements, which felt in some ways sort of like Aliens, which is a pretty good movie. So it makes a refreshing departure from some of the more by-the-numbers Imperial Guard novels. However, if you're not familiar with various parts of 40k lore than you'll probably be confused in the latter third of the book when strange things show up with little warning or explanation. Still a decent read for those who've been around the universe for a while.

- Kalpar

Priests of Mars, by Graham McNiell

Hello, dear and gentle readers, I'd like to preface this review by saying it was my intent to have May be a Steampunk theme month. Well, okay, two steampunk books and a dieselpunk book, but they're closely related! Anyway, I was left with three books that would tie into the theme and four weeks in May. What was I to do? Well, read something from the Warhammer 40,000 universe, of course!

Well, okay, maybe that isn't initially apparent to most people, but I had been hankering to return to the grim darkness of the forty-first millenium and this seemed like as good a choice as any. Priests of Mars follows the adventures of an Adeptus Mechanicus explorator fleet that is planning to travel beyond the known edges of the galaxy in search of lost archeotech. A translation for those of you not versed in 40k lore: A group of guys who worship knowledge and technology are putting a fleet of spaceships together to try and find long-lost technology beyond the edge of the known galaxy. I will say that there's a lot of appeal because the techpriests do not often come to the fore of the 40k books, being strange and mysterious types content to keep to themselves and their machines most of the time. So I was a little excited to get to see the adventures of these guys. In addition, this book is written by experienced 40k author, Graham McNeill, author of the much-lauded Ultramarines books.

Despite these advantages, this book is actually kind of a disappointment for me, and I think the central reason is we spend about half the book getting to know the cast of about twenty or so characters and their various motivations. Ranging from the Archmagos Lexell Kotov, head of the expedition, to Rogue Trader Roboute Surcouf, to Reclusiarch Kul Gilad of the Black Templars Space Marine Chapter, to Abrehem Locke a simple dockworker who gets impressed to labor in the engine rooms of the Speranza, there is a wide range of Imperial viewpoints included in this book. There's even a Titan Legion with its own inner turmoil and the growing insanity of its lead princeps. So while the book establishes a wide cast of characters with conflicting motivations, the result is we never really get to spend a lot of time with any one member of the cast and a handful of cast members actually get less attention than others. The expedition proper doesn't even leave the star system it's starting out from until we're almost halfway through the book, the end result being a lot of time and space spent on meeting a bunch of people before any actual action happens.

Because you have so many characters to keep track of large casts become harder to manage than smaller casts, and there's very few writers who can do it well. It's definitely a marked contrast from McNiell's earlier work with the Ultramarines that focused largely on just Captain Uriel Ventris and the challenges he faced. While those books were engaging and highly readable for me, I just kept finding this book being really, really boring and I think the large cast did not help.

In addition this book did end on a cliffhanger and is continued in Lords of Mars, with a third book planned as well. So it does leave room for the hope that the following two books will help expand and get the action going now that we spent all this time getting to know the cast of characters, but until I read it I really can't say. It does make me think that maybe this would have been better off as one really long book instead of three smaller ones, but only time will tell.

I will say to McNiell's credit he manages to write the weirdness of the Techpriests and Space Marines in a very convincing manner. A lot of the Warhammer 40,000 books I've read focus on the Imperial Guard, who are people more or less like us, just living thousands of years into the future. Space Marines and Techpriests, by contrast, are just inherently different from normal humans and a lot of people find them plain damn weird within the 40k universe. Space Marines are genetically-engineered warriors who have been modified since the cusp of puberty to become the very best of the Emperor's Warriors, steeped in warrior traditions of honor. Space Marines may have only a vague memory of what it is to be afraid or feel pain, at least in the sense that we normal humans feel it. Most regular humans do their best to maintain a respectful distance from the Adeptus Astartes for this very reason. Techpriests are also well beyond what we might consider normal. Their fascination with technology and pursuit of knowledge is understandable enough, but Techpriests also seek to remove practically every element that makes them human as well. Mechanical modification is common, and in fact encouraged, and even the lowest-ranking Techpriests often have hormones and emotion removed from their bodies, resulting in coldly logical beings. Although incredibly necessary to keep the Imperium functioning, Techpriests are just plain damn weird to the majority of other Imperial citizens. McNiell manages to write both the Space Marines and Techpriests as convincingly different from regular humans.

Once things got moving this book was pretty enjoyable. I just hated that it took half the book for it to finally break orbit, both figuratively and literally. I'll probably check out Lords of Mars to see if the adventure gets any better, but this one can probably be safely skipped for now.

- Kalpar

Blood Pact, by Dan Abnett

As some of my readers are probably aware, I'm a very big fan of the Gaunt's Ghosts series set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe and follow the adventures of Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt and the Tanith First-and-Only. However, all of my adventures with the ghosts so far have been in omnibus form that contain three or four books that I'll read in more or less one go. Blood Pact is the first book I decided to read by itself and while I certainly found it enjoyable I found it rather short as well. However, I think that's simply because I read it as a stand-alone novel rather than as part of an omnibus and I look forward to more of Gaunt's adventures from Abnett.

The basic plot of Blood Pact is in a very broad sense a retelling of the previous Ghost book Traitor General, and this is rather explicitly mentioned by the characters as well. However, instead of Gaunt and a small Imperial team on a Chaos-held world looking to eliminate a rogue Imperial General before he can spill his secrets to the enemy, a small Chaos team of Blood Pact land on an Imperial-held world to eliminate a rogue Chaos general. While the book is definitely reusing an idea, Abnett manages to tell the stories in new and interesting ways. In addition, the use of warp witchcraft by the Chaos strike team frustrates communication among the Imperial forces and leaves Gaunt relying mostly on his wits and combat training to evade the kill team. Despite the feeling of brevity I thought this book as rather good and I'd recommend it to 40k fans as a good action sampler.

The other thing that I found very interesting was the fact that the planet Gaunt and the Ghosts were based on, Balhaut, was a secure Imperial world well behind the front lines of the Crusade. While many troops would welcome the opportunity for a nice, quiet garrison duty and the Ghosts initially enjoy their stay, they quickly find themselves bored with the absolute tedium of garrison life and are become restive, which presents an issue for Commissar Viktor Hark who has taken over many of the disciplinary issues of the regiment. In addition, a number of the senior staff cadre are beginning to feel the twelve years of campaigning the Ghosts have experienced and the regiment is beginning in some respects to feel old. This is definitely a good subject to cover but I feel like it wasn't really fleshed out in this book. My hope, however, is that it will definitely be fleshed out in later books in this series.

Overall an enjoyable read and highly recommended.

- Kalpar

Gunheads, by Steve Parker

This week we return to the world of Warhammer 40,000 with Steve Parker's book Gunheads. I was actually a pretty big fan of one of Steve Parker's other books, Rebel Winter, and when a friend recommended this novel to me I decided to go ahead and pick it up. Overall I thought it was rather enjoyable, but it doesn't really deviate too much from the standard 40k formula. If you're looking for something fresh and exciting then this definitely isn't your fare. If you're interested in a very familiar and well-written Imperial Guard novel then you could do a lot worse than Gunheads.

The plot starts of pretty compelling, with the Guard landing on the planet Golgotha to try and recover Commissar Yarrick's famous Baneblade superheavy tank, the Fortress of Arrogance. Because Golgotha has been dominated by the orks for the past forty years, as well as the planet being an inhospitable desert, the Guard is going to attempt a quick retrieval rather than trying to conquer the entire planet and bring it back into the fold of the Imperium. As the brutal desert conditions continue to take their toll and machinery breaks down it becomes a race against both the clock and the orks to find the Fortress of Arrogance and leave Golgotha.

Despite the interesting plot, I realized about halfway through Gunheads that this book started feeling very familiar to me and felt a lot like a Gaunt's Ghosts novels with different characters. Basically you have an Imperial force, desperately outgunned and outnumbered, struggling for survival as they try to achieve their objective. You kind of know that they'll reach an objective in the end, but maybe not the one they'd hoped, and some of the characters will survive, but not as many as you'd hoped either. Plus there's plenty of decent, fighting soldiers in the army, and some of them might even be generals, but there's plenty of loonies in the commissariat and higher ranks to balance that out and a couple of bad apples among the rank-and-file. The challenge for the author then becomes how to make the book new and interesting so that readers have a reason to come back for more. In my opinion Dan Abnett accomplishes this very well by having his Ghosts go through a number of different interesting situations and how the Ghosts will manage to get out of this scrape. What I really think Gunheads does well and what sets it apart is focusing on the tank arm of the Imperial Guard. After all, the awesome tanks are a very good reason why most people choose to play Imperial Guard but most of the novels focus on the (very frequently) helplessly outmatched infantrymen as they try to take on the worst the universe is able to throw at them. The tanks, however, are glorious warmachines and may not be the most sophisticated or fanciest of armored vehicles, but when you see them in battle they make a good account for themselves and it is truly epic. Gunheads focuses almost entirely on the tanks and it was a rare treat to watch them in battle. (Plus, as you all know I'm a super fanboy for tanks anyway so it was a really good fit.)

Beyond the dealing specifically with tankers and their own specific challenges, this book really doesn't push the envelope or bring anything new. If you've read a bunch of other Guard novels like I have, you can kind of see where this one will be going and it won't disappoint in that regard. The Adeptus Mechanicus have some ulterior motives, the leading general's gone mad with his quest for one last victory, and everyone else is tryin to survive to get off this particular Emperor-forsaken-rock. This book even feels like part of a larger series with its references to events that have happened before the novel and the feeling that we were going to meet these characters again in the future. I did do some research and found out that a lot of the characters had been introduced in a short story that Parker had written before, but there hadn't been anything else written featuring these particular characters. I get the feeling, much like the characters in Rebel Winter they may disappear off into the what-ifs of 40k and we're left to conclude they just had awesome adventures and managed to do what you can only really hope to do, survive.

If Gunheads doesn't really break new ground, it at least trods the old ground competently and it's a pretty good read. And sometimes you don't want to read something terribly complicated that explores genres, and sometimes you just want to read something fun and escape in the fantasy for a little while. And really, that's what I chose to accept Gunheads as, a fun little tank fantasy with a familiar storyline that I'm not ashamed of enjoying. If you're a fan of the Guard and their tanks I'd definitely recommend checking it out.

- Kalpar

Ravenor Omnibus, by Dan Abnett

Once again I have decided to explore more of what is apparently called "The Daniverse" within the much larger Warhammer 40,000 universe with the Ravenor omnibus, which contains the novels Ravenor, Ravenor Returned, and Ravenor Rogue. Much like the Eisenhorn trilogy this book follows the adventures of Gideon Ravenor, and Imperial Inquisitor and psyker, as he roots out the enemies of the Imperium from within. (And if you didn't know already, Ravenor is Eisenhorn's apprentice who has graduated to become an Inquisitor in his own right.) While these books were enjoyable, as pretty much anything penned by Dan Abnett is, I had more difficulty with these than I did with Eisenhorn and I feel like they're not as well put together as the Eisenhorn novels. Definitely still worth a read, especially since the next omnibus is apparently Ravenor vs. Eisenhorn and I definitely plan on reading that in the future. Yes, it's good, but it's not my favorite thing to come from Dan's desk.

What I liked about this series of novels, and this is what I liked about the Eisenhorn books too, was that you got to see the Imperium operating from the inside. Most 40k novels occur when there's, you know, fighting going on, and normal life has been disrupted on whatever ball of dirt's being attacked. In the Inquisition novels they're not facing down an army of orks or a Tau battlegroup; instead, they're taking on Chaos cults and xenos sympathizers who threaten to weaken the Imperium from within. So you get to see how the Imperium works and what daily life for most people is like. Granted, life is still pretty bad when you're not getting eaten by Tyranids or something, but it's a change of pace.

Unlike the Eisenhorn books, though, I feel like these books require an understanding of some of the ins and outs of the 40k universe before reading. Eisenhorn did a great job of introducing people to concepts such as daemons, blanks, and rogue traders but in Ravenor you're expected to already know what those are without a lot of explanation. So if you're new to the 40k universe and looking to get yourself oriented, I'd recommend at least waiting on these books until you've gotten your feet wet. If you're an experienced vet, though, I think you'd enjoy these novels.

I think the main problem with this is that, according to Dan's introduction, these books were not initially meant to be a trilogy. Yes, they tie together as a trilogy in the end, but Abnett had originally envisioned the Ravenor series much like Gaunt's Ghosts: a series of ongoing adventures following our characters across space. The second two books definitely feel much more connected plot-wise to each other than they do to the first book, especially with the major plot of the birth of the deamon Slyte who threatens to destroy an entire sub-sector and seriously weaken the Imperium. It definitely works, but I feel like the first book kind of stands on its own. Much like how A New Hope kind of stands on its own from Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Still connected, but the last two more connected than the first two.

The other thing I noticed was a tendency for the books to have a fairly slow investigative pace and then everything sort of suddenly come together at the last minute in a huge showdown. I think Abnett was trying to capture sort of the essence of police fiction in that regard, where there's a lot of time spent investigating the case and slowly putting all the pieces together, followed by a sudden burst of action at the end where the case gets busted wide open. It's certainly a legitimate literary approach but I get the feeling that it isn't Abnett's strong suit. Definitely a thumbs-up for trying something new and if the next omnibus is like this I hope that his skill develops and he gets better.

Despite the issues I had with this book, I think it was at least enjoyable. If you're an old hand at the 40k universe you'd definitely want to give this book a go, especially if you like a lot of Dan Abnett's other stuff. As with the Eisenhorn novels, it was a refreshing change to look at planets that weren't being completely destroyed by invading armies and see how the Imperium works on the inside. I don't think this is a book for newbies, though, and you should probably know about a number of things before jumping into this series.

- Kalpar

Ciaphas Cain, DEFENDER OF THE IMPERIUM! by Sandy Mitchell

Well this month I've decided to go back to the world of Warhammer 40,000 by continuing with the adventures of everyone's favorite cowardly commissar, Ciaphas Cain. As my readers may remember, I reviewed the first ominbus of the series, Ciaphas Cain: Hero of the Imperium a while ago and thought it was a refreshing change to the usual pace of the 40k universe. While I greatly enjoy other 40k books like the Gaunt's Ghosts series by Dan Abnett or the Ultramarines series by Graham McNeill, they all have a very serious tone which can make for heavy reading. The Ciaphas Cain novels, on the other hand, have an almost constant tongue-in-cheek attitude towards the 40k universe which is a really refreshing approach to a series that can take itself a little too seriously sometimes.

Now a good question that a friend asked me is, "Well, are these next three books any different from the last three?" And to an extent I have to say no, it's a lot of more of the same. Cain is cowardly and wants nothing better than to get out of trouble but always finds himself ending up in the middle of the largest concentration of enemies he can find. Jurgen, meanwhile, is phlegmatic and loyal and ends up saving Cain's ass a number of times despite never being in the official stories of Cain's life, and Amberley provides snarky comments on Cain's autobiography. So in many respects I will admit this omnibus is more of that pulp sci-fi that I can't get enough of and keep reading. 

What is unique about this omnibus and which I particularly enjoyed was the three novels focus on three events which occur at different events throughout Cain's career. We see Cain at the beginning of his career, still with the 12th Valhallan Artillery, and as a fairly brash young commissar who still has yet to become a Hero of the Imperium but quickly finds himself embroiled in an ork invasion. We then see an older and wiser Cain during the middle of his career with the 597th Valhallan facing off against an unstoppable tyranid swarm. Finally we see a very old Cain at the end of his career teaching commissar cadets at a planetary schola, but Cain is pulled out of retirement to defend the planet against the forces of Chaos. Overall I rather liked the overarching story arc of the shadowlight artifact which tied these three events of Cain's career together and added a sense of the long-term effects of Cain's presence in the galaxy. Plus there were plenty of excellent action sequences to keep the most rabid fanboy satisfied. 

I will admit that there are a couple of flaws with this book, such as the fact that the stories contained in it don't vary too much from the books in the first one so if you weren't impressed with the first collection you really have no reason to read this one. Furthermore, despite seeing Cain at three points across a century, neither he nor Jurgen change as characters. Cain remains...well...Cain, whether he's a commissar fresh from the schola or a century-old badass, which was a little frustrating. In addition, while I understand why the first novel of this omnibus was in this omnibus, being part of the shadowlight story arc, I kind of wished it had been the first book in the series because then we could see Cain becoming a Hero of the Imperium rather than being introduced to him after he has gotten all sorts of fame and accolades. 

Despite the issues I mentioned, I really liked this book and I think it's a must-read for any fan of the 40k universe; I think it's an excellent tongue-in-cheek approach to a universe that often takes itself too seriously while still maintaining the space opera and pulp aesthetics of the original source material. I might even go so far as to say that people new to the Cain series should read the first story in Defender first, followed by all of Hero, and then the other two-thirds of Defender. It might just be my preference for chronological order but I like seeing Cain develop his undeserved reputation as a hero before he becomes a posterboy of the commissariat. 

- Kalpar 

Ciaphas Cain: HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!, by Sandy Mitchell

So as my two readers are well aware by this point, I am something of a fan of the Warhammer 40,000 franchise and occasionally enjoy the odd omnibus or two from this ridiculously awesome universe. Recently I decided to go back to my good friends, the Imperial Guard, and read about the adventures of Commissar Ciaphas Cain in the first omnibus, Ciaphas Cain: Hero of the Imperium, which collects the novels, For the Emperor, Caves of Ice, and The Traitor's Hand into one volume, as well as three short stories.

Overall I liked this book, but I had a few problems which I want to talk about. First and foremost, I would not recommend this book for the beginner 40k fan. You really have to know how a commissar is supposed to act ("The first man who retreats will be shot!" and so on.) to really understand why a lot of the humor surrounding Cain works. Granted, the books provide plenty of exposition for other subjects in the 40k universe, but I feel like you have to meet some of the trigger-happy bastard commissars before getting a full appreciation for Cain.

My second big issue was that the jokes started wearing thin about halfway through the book because Mitchell seemed to rely on the same three jokes: Cain runs away even though he's not supposed to, Jurgen is phlegmatic, and General Sulla's memoirs, according to Inquisitor Amberley Vail, are an assault on the Gothic language. They were funny the first couple of times but it started getting old after about the fifth time. Fortunately, by the end of The Traitor's Hand Mitchell had introduced some fresh jokes and pretty cool action scenes so I was left with an overall pleased feeling.

My final big problem was that I noticed Cain is constantly excusing his concern for the soldiers under his command as him just keeping up his war hero facade rather than any actual interest in the troopers. Honestly, I didn't buy it because Cain has fought alongside these soldiers for five or six years by the final novel and there have been plenty of examples in history of that sort of experience building a bond as strong as family. Furthermore, even if Cain was one of the utter bastard commissars who sees troops as expendable, he'd probably still need to know how many men he had left before attacking an enemy position. It just seemed to me that asking if other people were okay was such a basic human reaction that Cain discredits himself too much saying he's doing it for his own selfish purposes.

A smaller, less important complaint about this book was that in the beginning Cain suffers a lot from "show, don't tell". When we first meet Cain in For the Emperor he's already a huge war hero and whose face is on recruiting posters across the sector. I really found myself wishing I could hear about these early adventures and how Cain developed his reputation before he becomes the Hero of the Imperium we all know and love. You kind of get that in the short stories between the novels, but I really wish there was at least one novel detailing more of Cain's early exploits. Fortunately, much of my "show, don't tell" problem was resolved by the end of For the Emperor because we get to see Cain be the big hero and defeat the enemies of the Imperium, save the day, and get the girl.

Overall, despite my issues with this book series, I ended up at least enjoying Cain's adventures. We get to see a far more human commissar and see his foibles and emotions; I would definitely call Cain more human in a respect than the famous Ibram Gaunt because at the end of the day, Gaunt's still a soldier, while Cain's looking for the nearest bar, gambling den, or house of ill repute. Cain is a man unashamed of pursuing the more carnal pleasures and in a way it makes his small acts of heroism seem all the greater as a result. The action is downright epic at times and although some jokes wear out their welcome, there's plenty of fresh humor to keep the book going.

I'm definitely interested in reading Ciaphas Cain: Defender of the Imperium, the next collection of Cain's adventures, and hope that Cain and Jurgen have plenty of awesome adventures across the galaxy. As I mentioned, this book probably isn't for beginners because you really have to know about Imperial commissars before you dive in, but if you're a 40k veteran you should definitely check them out.

- Kalpar

Kalpar Lectures: The Imperial Guard

Behold, the might and power of the Imperial Guard!

Don't fuck with Polish Lancers

Okay, okay, so this article isn't about the Imperial Guard of Napoleon I, even though they were pretty kick-ass. This article is part of my ongoing attempt to introduce people to the various factions of the Warhammer 40,000 universe. I've already done articles about the heroic Space Marines and the crazy-awesome Orks so this week I'm going to talk about the Imperial Guard which makes up the bulk of humanity's military forces.

The 8th Cadian 

The Space Marines represent the pinnacle of human genetic engineering and technological advancement. Stuffed with nearly twenty extra organs and armed with the best weapons and armor, the Space Marines are a potent military force and rightly feared by the enemies of humanity. However despite their centuries of military experience the total number of Space Marines across the galaxy-spanning Imperium numbers about a million. That means there is less than one Marine for every world in the Imperium and while a single Marine is a fearsome warrior he cannot defend an entire planet against the Imperium's enemies, much less take the fight to them. While the Space Marines remain a sort of special-response force for the Imperium, attacking specific targets or defending against extraordinary threats, the billions of men and women of the Imperial Guard shoulder the majority of the Imperium's military needs. Whether defending critical planets or reclaiming Chaos-held worlds in sector-wide crusades the Imperial Guard makes the Emperor's will known.

Before I get into the fluff of the Guard, I want to talk briefly about them on the tabletop. For many years the Imperial Guard has suffered as an army because guardsmen are good at dying and...that's about it. Guard armies come with fairly low points costs so while a large Space Marine army might reach forty men, Guard armies can easily reach the triple digits in models alone. Fortunately with great numbers comes an insane number of ranged attacks and while most enemies can shrug off a direct hit from a lasgun, shrugging off sixty hits from a lasgun might just kill you. Plus, while their infantry may be sub-par the latest Imperial Guard codex lets them field some of the best tanks in the game, and from my own personal experience you do not want to be on the receiving end of a plasma barrage from a Leman Russ Executioner. The Guard remains a popular army for its tanks, as well as the fact that it's an army made of ordinary people like you and me. While a Space Marine only vaguely remembers what it's like to be afraid or an Ork sees the world as a hilarious pub brawl, an Imperial Guardsman remains an ordinary human and gives us a familiar lens through which to see the world of the forty-first millennium.

Catachan Jungle Fighters 

The Imperial Guard, in one form or another, has served the Imperium of Man from the beginning. The Emperor may have created the peerless Space Marines, but he still needed ordinary people to help fight his wars as well. Uncounted numbers of people have served in the Guard, and even today no one knows how many people are in service. On any given day the losses from casualties and the gains from recruitment can number somewhere in the millions and Imperial records are sometimes centuries out of date so not even the Lord Commander Militant has any idea. However, having such a vast pool of manpower comes with plenty of benefits. The thousands of Guard regiments come with a wide range of specializations and allow the Guard to meet virtually every tactical situation. Need to secure a landing zone from orbit? Send in the Elysian Drop Troops. Need to reclaim a desert planet? Call on the Tallarn Rough Riders. Want to outmaneuver your enemy with an armored assault? Armageddon Steel Legion can do the job. With their sheer numbers of men, materiel, and combat experience the forces of the Imperial Guard can pound all but the toughest enemies into submission.

The basic building-block of the Imperial Guard is the regiment. Usually a regiment will consist of soldiers from a single world and will be commanded by a colonel (or colonel-equivalent). However the equipment, organization, and even the size of a regiment will vary from planet to planet. Generally a regiment will fall into a general category giving you a rough idea of their capabilities: light infantry are good at hit-and-run, scouting, and infiltration, heavy infantry are well-armed and armored and are best for shock attacks, and armored regiments contain the fighting vehicles of the Guard. While some regiments make use of transports and vehicle support, you can usually expect an infantry regiment to contain no tanks whatsoever while an armored regiment contains nothing but tanks. Imperial Guard commanders will then combine several different regiments into a combined-arms force to achieve military objectives. (Ostensibly what you field in a 40k game.) Sometimes the collaboration works extremely well and the Guard achieves great victories. Sometimes the many officers involved disagree intensely and get their regiments killed. But so long as the Imperium emerges triumphant the brass really can't be bothered to care too much.

Vostroyan Firstborn 

Over the years Games Workshop and Forge World have released a number of different Imperial Guard models based on historic armies. Sadly many of these models are fairly limited, and in some cases no longer available. While you can still find Valhallan Ice Warriors, Mordian Iron Guard, and members of the Armageddon Steel Legion, there are currently three armies produced by Games Workshop and another two armies produced by Forge World. (Well, if you have the money to get the models from Britain.) So while I could go over the hundreds of Imperial Guard regiments I'm going to stick with talking about four, the three available from Games Workshop and my favorite regiment, the Death Korps.

Cadian Shock Troopers: The Cadians are actually not based on any historical army and instead have a sort of futuristic look to them like the soldiers from Starship Troopers or Aliens. Cadia itself is an important world for the Imperium because it sits on the only safe means of passage into the Eye of Terror, a galactic anomaly where many of the forces of Chaos hide. As a result Cadia has been declared a Guard Fortress World and the entire population of Cadia is conscripted when they come of age. At any given point somewhere around 70% of Cadia's population is serving in a military capacity of one form or another and all of their cities, called kasrs, are highly fortified. The Cadian regiments that leave their homeworld are considered some of the finest line infantry in the Imperium and many other regiments have copied their equipment and organizational methods.

Catachan Jungle Fighters: Raised from the jungle planet of Catachan where reaching adulthood is considered an achievement, Catachan Jungle Fighters are extremely tough but undisciplined. Catachan troops are extremely skilled at jungle warfare and adept at setting ambushes and traps for enemy troops. Catachan soldiers will even make use of a planet's venomous wildlife to add an extra sting to their knives. Despite their fighting abilities, Catachans do not respond well to authority and will frequently arrange "accidents" for commissars attached to their regiments. (Commissars are political officers attached to Guard regiment to ensure loyalty and enforce Imperial mandates.) Although excellent fighters, Catachans can be a constant headache for superior officers. The Catachan army is modeled on American soldiers in the Vietnam  War.

Vostroyan Firstborn: During the Horus Heresy the Vostroyans refused to supply soldiers to the Emperor of Mankind, instead preferring to keep their men for factory work. As punishment for their insubordination during the Heresy, the Vostroyans are required to send every firstborn son to the regiments. As a result the Vostroyan regiments have a constant supply of new recruits and many regiments have existed for thousands of years, creating a proud warrior brotherhood among the regiments. Vostroyan regiments are loosely based on Tsarist Russian soldiers and are experts at winter and urban combat.

Death Korps of Krieg

Death Korps of Krieg: Krieg was originally a populous Hive World, but when the planet's leaders tried to secede from the Imperium Colonel Jurten of the Krieg 83rd launched a thermo-nuclear holocaust that blasted most of Krieg into a wasteland. Over the next five centuries the loyalists gradually reclaimed their planet and have remained loyal to the Emperor. The Death Korps is based mostly off of the German armies of World War I and as a result they are experts at siege and trench warfare. Death Korps troopers are almost never seen without their gas-masks and are known for their unwavering discipline and loyalty to the Emperor. (As well as their overall grim outlook on life.)  Due to the large number of troops in the Death Korps and the fairly small population of Krieg it is suspected that many Krieg troops are actually clones. Despite their overall dark nature they remain my favorite Guard regiment.

Over the years the regiments of the Imperial Guard have remained an important baseline for us, the fans. We get a glimpse of what life would be like for ordinary people in the forty-first millennium and how an unremarkable man might hope to survive fighting Orks or Tyranids or the forces of Chaos. We've seen the range of personalities from the outright sociopathy of Lijah Cuu, to the honorable father figure of Colm Corbec, to the downright honesty and affability of Try-Again Bragg. In a way Guard characters serve as a mirror, reflecting humanity at its best and also at its worst in a space-opera setting.

I would definitely recommend my readers to check out a couple Imperial Guard novels because they serve as an excellent introduction to the 40k universe. Of the books that I've read I would definitely recommend either Rebel Winter by Steve Parker, or The Founding omnibus by Dan Abnett. Both are extremely well-written and remain among my favorites.

Also if you have any other questions about the Guard please feel free to leave them in the comments. I didn't want to make this article run longer than it already has.

- Kalpar

Ash Wednesday Reminder: Kalpar's Going to Revoluticon

Okay, okay, I know this basically boils down to shameless self-promotion and messes with the update schedule but I want to get this in before pre-registration closes for Revoluticon this year. As a reminder to my ever-loyal fanbase of....two....I have been invited to speak at Revoluticon this year. Well, okay, I begged them to let me do a panel and after I "removed" some of the competition they decided they could risk letting me speak for an hour on Warhammer 40,000. My panel specifically is going to be a sort of 101-style introduction to Warhammer 40,000 for people who are curious and want to know more about the franchise. I'll be covering a little bit about how to play the game, the different factions you can play as, and then a number of ways you can get involved in 40k, including off of the tabletop. This is in no way going to be as in-depth as the Kalpar Lectures, but I hope I'll be able to give a good cursory introduction. Other than the panel, though, I'll probably just be hanging out at the convention, looking at shiny weapons I can't afford and attending a few panels myself. The Revoluticon staff and I were going to see if we could do some demo-play of 40k for people, but pretty much all my 40k buddies have actual jobs and stuff so no dice on that. Hehe, it's funny because 40k uses dice.

Anyway, for my loyal fans who are not in the Netherlands. (Seriously, I checked the statistics today and after the United States the most pageviews I get are from the Netherlands)  I encourage you all to come out and visit at Revoluticon, the best way is to find me at my panel, which will be in the program. You can pre-register for the the convention, or just show up and pay at the gate but you save some money in pre-registration. As a final reminder, Revoluticon is March 16th-18th and is located at the Ramada Plaza of Columbus, Ohio. Who knows? Maybe I'll see one of you there!

(Don't tell the Sheep, though. I swear if I'm in the same state as Katie I might lose what little sanity I have left.)

- Kalpar

Eisenhorn Trilogy by Dan Abnett

As my two readers probably know, I am a fan of Dan Abnett's Gaunt's Ghosts 40k series and had an opportunity a long long time ago to interview him. I also read a stand alone novel called Titanicus which starred the Titan Legions of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Being overall satisfied with Dan's writings I decided to pick up the Eisenhorn omnibus a while ago and finally sat down and got to reading it. I have to say overall that I liked the books, but I felt it had certain problems which I want to outline. I will say it is a great introduction to the world of Warhammer 40k for people who want to dip into the lore and recommend it for beginners.

I want to begin by stating that this is an omnibus which means it is actually three books combined into one larger book. I actually enjoy omnibuses, at least of Warhammer 40k books, because they're usually about $15 and contain three or four books which individually would cost $24-32 (Averaging about $8 a book) and it takes up less shelf space than the individual books. And I am perpetually running out of shelf space. Basically it's a lot more book for less money and will help tide you over longer if you're a constant reader like me. Well, I read so damn fast at times that I burn through it in a week anyway, but you get the idea.

Gregor Eisenhorn is an Inquisitor and I'll hopefully explain more about the Imperial Inquisition in a Kalpar Lecture down the line, but suffice to say he's sort of like a detective for the Imperium of Man. Inquisitors are tasked with rooting out heresy and Chaos wherever they find it in Imperial society and command tremendous resources and respect. Because Inquisitors work far from the battlefields of the 40k universe and often undercover. As a result the Eisenhorn novels read more like detective novels than the war stories of the Tanith First-and-Only and I personally thought it was a refreshing change of pace. Often times I find myself wondering "Okay, how is this 40k novel different from all the other war stories I've read?" So reading a story that was less combat-oriented was interesting. Granted there is still plenty of action, this is after all Dan Abnett, but it's more something that happens because of the plot rather than being the focus of the story.

Another thing I really enjoyed about these books was that it gave us an inside view of Imperial society and how it works. In the majority of 40k novels, following the Imperial Guard or the Space Marines, we only see Imperial society at war. Sure, sometimes the conflict happens in a hive-city or an Imperial world but what glimpses we see of Imperial citizens are people dealing with living in a war zone. The job of an Inquisitor is to protect Imperial society from internal threats and as a result I got to see how life is for the majority of the trillions of humans who never even see a battlefront. I enjoyed it for its informational value as well as the change of setting.

The other good thing I have to say about these books is that I felt the pacing was handled really well within the novels. I mentioned in my review of Titanicus that the middle part of the book sort of dragged for me, and a few of the Gaunt's Ghosts books I feel suffer from a lack of direction but the Eisenhorn books were solidly written in my opinion. I will say that the final book kind of lacked a denouement but I believe that was Dan's intention rather than any lack of writing skill. I am definitely going to try and obtain the sort-of sequel the Ravenor omnibus and look forward to more of this different perspective.

The good things being said, there is one big issue I had with the book. Eisenhorn's career as an Inquisitor spans over a hundred and fifty years and the books are set at certain points of his career. And I will say that they are highly important points in the overall narrative of Eisenhorn, but I find myself wishing I knew more about the intervening periods. Characters that make up parts of Eisenhorn's staff die off screen between novels and new members join. While I recognize that Eisenhorn's staff is going to change over a hundred years seeing that staff go from five in one book to nearly two hundred in the next leaves me feeling disjointed. Characters I knew and cared about disappear when I wasn't looking and are replaced. Ultimately it became very hard for me to become emotionally invested in the characters. If anything I would have appreciated at least a few more books about Eisenhorn's intervening years just so I could know the characters a little more.

Lack of attachment for certain characters aside, I felt like these books were a good example of Dan's writing. Even if the ending to the trilogy's kind of a "WTF?" moment. If you're new to 40k and want to learn about how Imperial society works I would definitely recommend picking up the Eisenhorn omnibus.

- Kalpar

Chinese New Year's Special: Kalpar's going to Revoluticon!

Good news, everyone! Over the past month I have been handling delicate negotiations with the programming staff of Revoluticon. For those of you that don't know, Revoluticon is managed by the fine people of Anime Punch who have faithfully brought us Armageddicon these past few years, which is a mighty fine anime convention. However they have decided to branch out and run an new convention called Revoluticon, in addition to Armageddicon, which specializes in things that anime fans would like but are distinctly not anime-related. Stuff like fantasy, science fiction, comic books and so on.

Now my loyal two readers are probably at this very moment saying, "But Kalpar! It's very nice that you're letting us know about this convention, but where does the Kalpar come into all of this?" Well, I'm very glad you asked that, dear readers, for you see the programming staff of Revoluticon have assented to letting me present a panel on the rich fandom of Warhammer 40,000.

I'll give you time to run around shouting for joy.

It's awesome, right? Okay, so I cannot say yet which day my totally awesome panel on 40k will be, however I can say for certain it will be happening, I will be present, and it will be awesome. Well, I hope it'll be awesome. Anyway, for those of my readers who have the time and inclination to attend this year and see my awesome panel you can register for the convention here. And I'll provide some basic information below.

Date: March 16th - 18th.

Location: The Ramada Plaza of Columbus, Ohio
               4900 Sinclair Road
               Columbus, Ohio 43229

Remember, registration closes on March 2nd so vote early and vote often. Wait...no. Register early. Yes, that's what I meant. 

Thought for the day:
Only in death does duty end.

Kalpar Lectures: Da Orks

Today I'm going to continue with the Kalpar Lectures series, which so far has been me explaining Warhammer 40,000 stuff to those who are unfamiliar with the franchise. And honestly, I've been in the mood to talk about the Orks. I don't know why, and since the orks never really go for much logic themselves it seems a perfect time.

To start, I'll talk a little about how the Orks play on the tabletop. I will admit that I have never personally fought Orks on the field or know anyone who fields the so a lot of what I'm going on is what other people have written on the internet and what information I can surmise from their stat blocks. Now, apparently like the Space Marines there are a lot of options available to the Ork player, however Orks have the advantage of being much cheaper in terms of points than Space Marines. (Don't expect to shell out less money, though. This is Warhammer 40k after all.)  Thus in a 1,500 point army you can field significantly more Orks and overwhelm your enemy with sheer weight of numbers. However, while Marines can do pretty much anything at least competently if not extremely well, Orks gravitate towards close combat. Orks are extremely tough and have a decent Weapon Skill which makes them well-suited to close combat, while having a fairly low Ballistic Skill. A common tactic is called the "Green Tide" in which a large number of Orks are sent towards the enemy battle line and engage them in brutal hand-to-hand fighting. The greatest appeal of the Orks, though, is their fluff material and status as the comedic relief race of Warhammer 40k.

When talking about Orks, it's important to mention their biology. Simply put, Orks are a splice of fungal and animal DNA by an ancient race of aliens to fight the Necrons. (The Necrons are a race of zombie robots who want to wipe out all life in the galaxy to appease their dark gods. More on them later.) As a result, Orks have very few organs to damage, the remaining organs are extremely hardy and they're green. Seriously, the reason Orks are green in 40k is because they're a type of fungus. Like most fungi, Orks reproduce by spreading spores constantly and they emit a large number of spores when they die. This means that in terms of population Orks outnumber humans by a significant margin, and any planet unlucky enough to be invaded by the greenskins will probably never really be free of them. What is even weirder about the Orks is that the mysterious precursors have hard-wired certain Orks to turn into Mekboyz and Painboyz, which practice engineering and medicine respectively. Well....what passes for engineering and medicine in Ork circles anyway.

An important thing to keep in mind about Orks is that their very race runs on a weird kind of psychology. Basically anything the Orks believe to be true....becomes true. Warbosses and Nobz, the leaders of Ork society, grow bigger and stronger because Orks that are in charge are supposed to be the biggest and 'ardest boyz around. Because Orkz never stop growing during their lifetime it's not unusual for an Ork Warboss to be nine or twelve feet tall. In fact Warboss Ghazghkull, one of the more notorious Ork Warbosses, apparently clocks in at over eighteen feet tall, all of it well-honed killing muscle.

The Ork gestalt psychology gets even weirder when you start looking at their technology. For example Orks believe that "red wunz go faster", and oddly enough vehicles with red paint do move faster. Most of Ork technology is scrap metal and whatever parts they can find, welded or bolted together in some semblance of the desired product, that somehow works. Many an Imperial enginseer has looked at a captured Ork vehicle, only to conclude that the ramshackle monstrosity shouldn't even be able to move, much less fight under combat conditions. Taken to its logical conclusion, as my friends like to joke, if you give an Ork a stick and tell him it's a gun, somehow the stick will shoot bullets.

The Ork mentality is very simple and straightforward: the Orks love having fun. The best way to have fun? Fight. I guess the point I'm trying to convey is that Orks love to fight all the time. If there isn't someone else to fight, the Orks will fight amongst themselves for any reason imaginable, including if they're just bored. Did I mention they love to fight? As far as the Orks see it, at the end of the day if they won, they won, if they died, then they died fighting and it doesn't count, and if they had to run away, well they can come back for another go. It may seem an odd mentality, but in the rather dark world of 40k it's downright optimistic.

Broadly speaking the Orks are divided into six major clans, each which have their own unique characteristics and wears a specific color. The clans are as follows:

•  Bad Moons: Wearing yellow, the Bad Moons are the wealthiest of the clans because their teeth grow most quickly. (Oh yeah, Orks use teeth as currency.) As a result the Bad Moons have the flashiest equipment and love the big shootas.
• Blood Axes: The only clan without a distinct color, the Blood Axes have the longest history of fighting the Imperium of Man. As a result they've begun to pick up tactics like camouflage and battle plans. As a result a large number of Warbosses come from the Blood Axes. 
• Deathskulls: Wearing blue because it's a lucky color, the Deathskulls specialize in looting equipment from the battlefield, sometimes even while the battle is still raging. As a result they have a large number of converted enemy tanks in their arsenal. 
• Evil Sunz: Orks who love speed, it's common to see an entire Evil Sunz army charging along on cobbled-together motorcycles and wartrukks. Because they love to go fast, and as you know, red ones go faster, the Evil Sunz often wear red themselves. 
• Goffs: The toughest of the Ork clans, the Goffs love getting into the thick of close combat. The Goffs wear black they consider other colors to be "un-Orky". 
• Snakebites: The Snakebites are staunch traditionalists and generally look down on using new-fangled technology. While other Ork clans might use armor and vehicles, the Snakebites use war paint and ride into battle on giant boars. Although less common in the more-developed Ork hordes, Snakebites are still a dangerous force. 

Usually the various clans fight amongst themselves, but on occasion a cunning Warboss can unite the various clans into a mighty WAAGH!, a mighty invasion of Orks which is best described as one part mass migration, one part holy war, and one part pub crawl. Any planet that finds themselves in the path of an oncoming WAAGH! is in serious trouble.

At the end of the day, the Orks are a brutal race that love to fight and get into trouble. However they're also downright silly, with technology as likely to harm them or break down as it is to actually harm their enemies. As dangerous and intimidating as the Orks are, I still find them kind of funny and their philosophy rather logical. In the Grim Darkness of the 41st millennium where there is only war, perhaps the Orks are the ones that have it all figured out. If you're going to die horribly on a battlefield, you might as well enjoy it, right? The Orks certainly seem to enjoy it, and they're definitely not going away anytime soon.

- Kalpar